扬长而去：情感虐待子女之恶果

 

菲女士有一个每个华裔父母都羡慕的儿子。二十多岁的他毕业于美国常春藤联盟大学，并在一家美国着名的大学工作，薪水六位数。但是，费女士也面临着一个让任何有亚洲文化背景的人心碎的现实：这个事业有成的儿子却决心与父母了断一切关系，尽管菲多次打给儿子电话，送电邮和上门造访，她却无力回天，亲生儿子已一去不返。

 

Fei has a son that every Chinese parent envies: a Ivy league graduate at his late twenties whose job title as a professor with a prestigious university allows him to rake in a 6-digit salary. But Fei also faces a heart wrenching reality that would make anyone with an Asian cultural background devastated: Her son has been trying to sever any ties with her and her family. Despite her repeated phone calls, emails and personal visits, her efforts to repair a damaged relationship has failed in vain. 

 

对于及其看重血缘，亲子关系的华裔父母来说，没有什么比看着以自己心血养大的孩子与你断绝关系为更残酷的现实了。但有些华裔父母的确采取了某些虐待或有伤感情的育儿风格，从给孩子造成造成巨大的心灵创伤。更不幸的是，许多亚裔父母并没有意识到这一点。生活在认为对自己的子女拥有绝对权威之文化中的父母们，根本没认识对未成年子女的打骂行为有何不妥，更别提情感虐待了。

 

For Chinese parents who value family connections the most, nothing is more brutal than breaking up with the children that you’ve raised with your heart and soul. But some parents may have adopted abusive or toxic parenting styles that have inflicted deep emotional scars on their children. And worse yet, many Asian parents don’t realize what is happening.  In a culture that parents hold ultimate authority over their children, child abuse is an unfamiliar concept, let alone emotional abuse.

 

情感虐待有多种情形和方式，从对孩子指鼻谩骂、大声训斥，到进行各种恐吓和侮辱等。有的父母认为孩子学习成绩不佳而令其大失所望，进而对他们吼叫，并将成绩单扔在孩子的脸上。有些父母们时常羞辱自己的子女，说什么他们钱和努力都白费了，并用一些极其伤害孩子自尊心的字眼极尽其羞辱之能事。一些父母不允许孩子发展个性，或持有自己的观点。在某种意义上，我也是个有缺点的母亲 - 我曾下意识地拿自己的女儿与事业有成成的儿子做过比较，期望以此鞭策女儿发奋向上。女儿说，我的这种做法在某种程度上对她心理造成伤害。

 

From name calling and screaming to bullying and insult hurling, emotional abuse takes various forms and shapes. There are parents who saw their children fall short of their academic expectations scream at them and slap their report cards on their face; there are parents who always humiliate their children by saying that they don’t worth their money and efforts, using derogertory terms that hurt their self-esteems; there are parents who don’t let the children be individuals or form their own opinions. In a sense, I am no innocent mother either – I’ve subconsciously tried to push my daughter work harder by comparing her with her career-successful brother. To some extent, it has caused psychological harm to her, she said.

 

阿尔泊塔省的一位老师Robyn Bambrick在2002年所著《 放弃恶行，重获新生》”一书中写道：毒害子女的父母是那些“打击你的尊严，你的自尊，你的信心，你的外表和你的智慧”的人。“所造成的结果是孩子们大都痛恨自我，并感到绝望。”

 

Toxic parents are those who “assault your dignity, your self-respect, your confidence, your appearance, and your intelligence. There’s so much self-loathing that comes out of that, and a sense of despair,” wrote Robyn Bambrick, a teacher in Alberta in her 2002 book, Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life.

 

虽然情感虐待可能会导致孩子焦虑，抑郁，并且常常导致孩子做出格的事，但是即使那些情感虐待行为最严重的父母也未曾意识到自己的行为有何不妥。多伦多大学心理教授沃尔特斯说：“他们不认为自己的行为的错误之处，他们真的认为孩子就该这么教育。”

 

While emotional abuse can result in anxiety, depression, and, often, risk-taking behaviours, but even the most abusive parent often refuses to acknowledge any wrongdoing . “They don’t see this as bad,” said Gary Walters, a phychology professor at U of T. “They really think that this is the way to go.”

 

情感虐待孩子的父母会走向极端，使两代关系急剧恶化。有些虐待的孩子长大后发现除了与父母家庭断绝关系外毫无其他选择。这种结果不仅发生在菲女士儿子的身上，而且还发生在Shawn Johnston先生身上。据《环球邮报》报道，Johnston在十三岁时曾有些肥胖。而与其关系紧张的父亲却让两个弟弟嘲笑他的外表，经常拿他取笑。Johnston说：“父亲对我的虐待让我总感到自己就是个废物。”

 

Emotionally abusive parenting could go to extremes and become so toxic to the point that when the abused children grow up, many see no choice but to end their relationships with their parents. It happens not only to Fei’s son, but also to Shawn Johnston, who was slightly overweight at 13. Johnston’s emotionally distant father would encourage Shawn’s two younger brothers to mock his appearance and laugh at him for fun, according to a Globe article. “The abuse has left me struggling with a sense of unworthiness,” says Johnston. 

 

多大教授Gary Walters指出，与父母一刀两段虽然是一个艰难的选择，但往往却是最佳的选择。他表示：“我有几百个孩子与父母一刀两断的案例。除一例之外，其他与父母断绝来往的都没有后悔，且这一决定使他们掌握了自己的生命，并使自己的生活越过越好。”

 

That drastic decision to cut off connections with the parents is rarely easy, but is often the healthiest choice to make, according to professor Walters. “I have taken hundreds of people through a cut-off, and with only one exception, they have not regretted it and it has empowered them and made their lives better,” says Walters.

 

菲女士至今依然不明白是什么导致她的儿子做出这样一个悲剧性的决定。和北美的许多亚裔父母一样，她为孩子尽了最大的努力，牺牲了很多。她只是不明白为什么儿子会如此不领情，而是选择扬长而去，与她一刀两断。

 

But Fei still doesn’t understand what has led her son to make such a tragic decision. She, like many Asian parents in North America, has done the best she could and sacrificed a great deal. She just couldn’t figure out why he would not thank her for everything he did but choose to turn his back on her.