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为什么大多数男人都渴望取悦伴侣?




华尔街日报日前发表一篇有关性的文章。文章介绍了今年2月12日出版的一本书。该书为男性性行为正名,对于人们在此问题上的一系列固有看法,该书逐一进行了反驳。在这本名为《并非时刻有兴致:男人、性与恋爱关系的新科学》(Not Always in the Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex, and Relationships)的新书中,作者默里(Sarah Hunter Murray)探讨了男性的欲望是如何变化的,为什么大多数男人都渴望取悦伴侣,以及性行为(或者欲求得不到满足)是如何影响男性情绪的。

男人内心到底想要什么?
长期以来,人们都有一种固有观点,认为男人总是对“性”感兴趣,在“性”的问题上最乐于做追求者,并且男人更看重肉体而不是感情。一谈起男性性行为,我们往往会想到阴暗、令人不快的一面——那些被#MeToo运动揭露出的越来越多的侵犯行为。



默里博士是加拿大曼尼托巴省温尼伯市的一名性学研究者,同时她也是一位情感治疗师。她花了10年时间来研究男性性行为,采访有伴侣的异性恋男性,受访者的年龄跨度从18岁一直到65岁,平均年龄为38岁。她会问这样一些问题:“什么会让你产生性欲?”“伴侣的外表对你来说有多重要?”“性爱活动时是否感到过对方不够投入?”透过她的研究结果,我们得以重新审视男性性行为背后的情绪,并且大有发现。

默里博士与《华尔街日报》讨论了她的研究发现。以下是采访摘录。

对于男性性行为,我们为什么存在这么多误区?
很多东西都在强化我们对男性的固有印象。在电影和歌曲里,男人被描绘成总想着交配的公狗。男人这么说其他男人,女人也这么说男人。#MeToo运动的事例让我们看到,男人的性欲既自私又令人不快,这也加深了上述印象。对于这样的传统观点,我们已经很习惯了。



男性性行为与感情的相关程度比一般人所想的更高吗?
当然。我们常说,挑起男人性欲的大多是外表以及内衣、低领衫和短裙之类的东西。这当然没错。但我们其实不知道,对男性而言,感情往往更重要。

唤起男人性欲的是情感联系,是与伴侣亲近的欲望——而不仅仅是肉体关系。这种情绪就好像是:“我想探索她的身体,我想和她亲密接触,我想感受爱。”有些男性曾对我说,坐在沙发上抚摸伴侣的脚,与伴侣小酌,一起露营或观鸟的时候,他们都有过性冲动。因为在这些活动中,他们有共同参与的体验。

深入沟通也有相同效果。男性受访者表示,他们觉得伴侣认真倾听,与自己心心相印的时候,他们也会产生性欲。他们会说:“我觉得我的伴侣真的理解我,在那一刻,她懂我。”

性爱能满足男性什么样的情感需求?
在性爱中,男人也有情感的释放。他们可以阳刚,也可以脆弱。他们可以放下心防,不必故作强大,主导一切。他们也可以接受对方的引导。这是一种完全交出自我的体验:赤身裸体,让别人看你的身体,倾听你的声音,接受他人全然的爱意。那一刻,工作的压力、社会对于完美男人形象的要求——诸事握于掌中的强者,在他心里统统烟消云散。



如果男女关系中情感联系缺失,会怎样?
他的性欲往往会消退。我们认为男人总是对性有兴趣。但如果没有感受到情感联系,男性是会拒绝“性”的。有时,问题是暂时性的:一场争吵没有解决。有时,问题会在这段关系中持续下去——久而久之,他们会感觉到与伴侣之间的感情越来越淡。

没了性,男人往往就想抽身离开。他也许会沮丧。一个问题是,男人觉得和伴侣感情不好了,他可能会把性作为重回正轨的手段。因为对他来说,性代表的是情感联系,所以他会试着求欢。但所有女人的想法都是:“你就只顾自己,满脑子想的都是性爱。”其实,女人并不了解他的真实感受。

男人渴望被需要。他们希望感觉到伴侣也和自己一样,对性爱是兴奋的。伴侣有性趣、有快感,对他来说至关重要。男人会说,如果对方不投入,自己也没什么兴致。

这对双方的感情伤害大吗?
伤害很大。如果男人渴望性事,女方虽同意但感情上不够投入,此时,他会觉得自己应该速战速决,草草了事。结果就是一场乏味的性事,谁都兴奋不起来。双方对性爱的态度也会因此变得不够坦诚。他会在情绪上逃离。于是,他失去了亲密性,失去了流露脆弱一面的机会,也失去了与伴侣赤裸相见、坦诚自我的能力——而这些东西,他也许只有从性爱中才可以得到。



女人大概无法理解,因为她们满足自身情感需求的方式太多了,比如和朋友之间的亲密聊天。情形还会慢慢变糟。如果你觉得自己的情感需求没有得到满足,如果你觉得自己被拒绝了,婚姻中的二人便会渐行渐远。

求欢被拒绝时,男人是什么感受?
如果男性求欢不仅是为了肉体的欢愉,也是为了情感联系,那么被拒绝时他们就会觉得女方是在针对自己。“我觉得她不想跟我亲近,她不喜欢我。”他们说这种体验会让他们陷入自我怀疑,也对这段感情产生怀疑。她拒绝性爱,其实是在拒绝我。

你在书中写道,尽管人们都误以为男人在性的问题上很自私,但其实大多数男人是乐于取悦伴侣的。为什么?

有些研究表明,如果女性体会到高潮, 男人会觉得自己更有魅力。但我的研究表明,这其中还有另外的意义:女人的愉悦显示了双方之间共有的感情。这说明她体会到了亲密无间的感觉。两人心心相印,共享鱼水之欢。



如何建立亲密关系
情感治疗师、《并非时刻有兴致:男人、性与恋爱关系的新科学》一书的作者萨拉·亨特·默里给出了以下建议。

别瞎想。对方求欢时,不要以为他只是为了肉体的欢愉,或者为了发泄。他也许是想和你更亲密一点。如果你没兴趣,可以考虑换一种方式跟他亲近,比如一起吃饭或者喝点小酒。花时间做一些你俩都喜欢的事情。

允许他偶尔拒绝。不要觉得他是在针对你。男人没性趣的原因太多了——压力或健康问题、疲惫、正常的兴趣波动——这跟他们对伴侣的性趣无关。

主动求欢。告诉他他好帅,给他一个突如其来的吻。研究表明,男人——就像女人一样——希望自己在对方眼中是性感的,他们渴望听到赞美,希望对方主动调情或诱惑。男人厌倦了在感情中永远做主动的一方。



如果你没有兴致,请善意地拒绝。求欢的男人很脆弱,你的拒绝在他眼里也许就成了针对他这个人。如果你有自己的原因——太累了,太忙了——不妨直接告诉他。这能让他放宽心。你可以建议在近期另选时间,那时再“赴约”。

接受他脆弱的一面。男人要自信,要掌控一切,要永远性致勃勃,他们对此是有压力的。如果他向你展示自己柔软的一面——承认最近没什么性致,或者感情上觉得疏离——你要明白,展示脆弱也是需要勇气的。耐心倾听,不要妄加评判。要感谢他甘冒风险与你分享真实的内心感受。



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