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幽默集锦 20-01-11


老人掉齿
两口子带着爷爷去医院看病。丈夫看到挂号单上年龄的“龄”错印成“令”了,就对大夫说:“这个‘令’字漏掉一个‘齿’字。”“是掉个‘齿’字,大夫说,因为我们这是老年人门诊嘛!”

屈原医生
在历史课堂上,老师同一个学生:“屈原是什么人?”
“是医生。”学生回答。
“胡说!”
“怎么胡说呢,书上说他是大夫嘛!”

倒票
“兄弟,下个月有个表演,看能不能帮忙搞两张票?价钱不是问题。”
黄牛:“行,有哥在,不是吹牛,就这国内演出没有哥搞不定的,再说就咱哥俩这交情,包在哥身上,啥演出?说!”
我:“9月3号天安门阅兵在城楼上随便两张站票就行。”
黄牛:……



抗美援朝
小时候,我看了很多抗美援朝电影和连环画。同时,教科书告诉我们,抗美援朝光荣正确,我们打败了不可一世的美帝,打出了国威。
后来,长大了,我觉得抗美援朝真是他妈的蠢蛋行为,我们用了自己几十万人的生命帮助赖皮忘恩的邻居建立了金家独裁王朝。
再后来,我又认为抗美援朝的伟大正确,如果我们不参战,朝鲜将会过上韩国的生活,我们将过上朝鲜的生活。

无题
儿子:爸爸我今天惹事了,把老师气发疯,都哭了。
爸爸:你个兔崽子,怎么把老师给气的?
儿子:今天上课我玩吸铁石被老师发现了,她要没收,我就给她了。
爸爸:这不算啥事啊!
儿子:但是老师刚一拿,就吸在她的大金镯子上了,当时她就哭了,还跑去找校长打了一架,好顿挠啊,把校长脸都挠出血了!我也不知道是因为啥。
爸爸:好了,没事了,你去玩吧,以后拿吸铁石离你妈那些首饰远点……

北京房价与飞行表演
今天大家秀的不是飞机,是房价!自家阳台拍摄,拉彩带的二环以内,带点余烟的三环,能看见飞机的四环附近,五环外的都忙着点个赞。也就是说,房产1000万以上的看彩带,800万看余烟,500万看飞机,300万的只能点个赞……很多朋友问没有300万的咋办,没有300万的早就为中国的强盛热泪盈眶了……



明白牛市
中国股市从2015你6月中到8月24日缩水38%,俺终于明白很多基金经理和专家口中的“慢牛”就是:先把你打成熊样,看你还牛不牛!
不要问我牛市有没有结束,再这么跌几天,熊市都结束了!!

谁正开车
北京实行车辆单双号限行第一天,公交车上乘客爆满…… 一男子挤得实在受不了,喊到:“都别挤了,我都坐过好几站了”!
另一哥们:“你那算啥,我只是路过,都被挤上车了”……
一位四十多岁大哥从人缝中挤出脑袋,喊道:“都让让,都让让,我才是司机,现在谁开车呢?”

买花
今天就是七夕,我去小超市去买东西,超市的老板问我:“先生你买花么?” 我说“买花干什么啊?” 超市老板说:“今天买花可以送情人啊” 我恍然大悟,郑重地问那个超市老板:“哦,买多少花能送个情人啊?”
然后老板默默的把花收回去了……



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