我纠结的故乡情怀

 

今天的加拿大面临着如何与当今全球第二大经济体中国相处的困惑。尽管中国不断增长的经济实力对那些竭力提高本国生产力的国家具有着无形的吸引力，但它无论在政治体制或是法律观念上却都与加国迥异。拥有着独裁政权，不良的人权记录及无情的政审制度的中国的崛起似乎不断对西方民主制度构成着威胁。

Canada faces confusions in dealing with China – the second largest global economy. While China’s rising economic power holds its appeal to a foreign country seeking GDP growth, it is a country with different political and legal values.  With its authoritarian government, the human rights abuse and political censorship, the rise of China seems to be a threat to the Western democratic system. 

在中加两国复杂而紧密的关系的大环境下，如何面对中国也令作为加国华裔的我困惑不已。这种困惑随着我对加拿大价值观之认同性的增长而越发明显。我的人生一半是分别在这两个国家中度过的，中国是生我养我的地方，也是我在89学生民主运动后所离开的国度。可以说，我对中国存有一份爱恨交织的情感。

With relationship between Canada and China being a close and complicated dance, I’ve been genuinely puzzled by how to relate to China as a Chinese Canadian. The confusions have become more prominent as I become increasingly identified with the Canadian values.  Having lived half of my life between the two countries, I’ve developed love and hate emotions towards China, the country where I was born and grew up in, but the country I deserted after the students’ democratic movement in 1989.

家乡在我的记忆中充满了温暖朴实的感情和及浓郁的人情气息，而正是这深深的乡情都使我对故乡迷恋不已。尽管那时候的生活贫困，但困境中的人士从来不会缺乏热心友人的帮助。在我从一名叛逆的学生少年变成一名走入职场的青年的早期人生路途中，我周围一直充满了爱护和关心我的人士。即使是在那大杂院的无忧童年时代，邻里之间也处处充满了爱心，关怀和甜蜜的互助氛围。

It was the warm feelings towards my hometown and the pure human love in the old times that have made me captivated about China.  Despite living in poor economic conditions back then, help and assistance were abundant whenever a friend needed help or in crisis. I had been surrounded by people who loved and cared about me all the way through my childhood and youth, from the schools I attended as a rebellious teen to the workplace where I started my early career. Even in the messy and over-populated courtyard where I spent my naïve childhood, there was plenty of love, care and sweet neighbourhood atmosphere. 

然而，在中国向现代化都市中心转变的今天，人与人之间的同情怜悯之心却在逐渐消失。中国几十年经济的繁荣发展，不仅给人们带来了丰富的物质生活，也扭曲了人们的社会价值观。随着财富的日益丰盛，唯物主义观念深入人心，金钱成为社会的主导力量。随着社会道德标准的丧失，中国逐渐成为一个冷酷无情的社会，人们相互之间也没有了同情心和关爱。

However, the compassions towards fellow human beings seemed to gradually fade away as China transformed into a modern metropolis. Decades of economic boom in China has not only brought financial prosperity but also twisted social values. As wealth is made and fortunes are built, materialism grows and money becomes the dominant force in the society. Lacking a moral compass, the nation has turned into a callous society with individuals lacking sympathy and emotions towards others. 

几个月前，河南驻马店一名女子在过马路时被一辆越野车碾压当场毙命。她在穿过一条繁忙街道时先是被一辆出租车撞倒，但躺在马路中间的她尚在挣扎求生，亟待救援。显然，如果当时有人向她伸出一援之手，哪怕仅仅给警察打个电话或是拦停来往的车辆，她也能活到今天。

A few months ago, a woman in Henan was crushed over by a SUV and instantly killed, after she was knocked down by a taxi while crossing a busy street. She was desperately seeking assistance as she lied on the middle of the road, struggling for survival. Apparently, had anybody offered her a helping hand -- simply by calling the police or halting the traffic, she would have made it. 

这一事件深深地震撼了我的灵魂。在我每每试图想探索如果我没有离开中国，今天的生活状况该如何这一问题时，这一事件总会在我脑海中浮现。我很可能成为这个事件中的一名无情旁观者，同情心被冷漠麻木所取代，社会道德和责任感在以自我为中心的光环下消失殆尽。或许可能更糟，我可能会是那个躺在冰冷混凝土地面上的女人，在离开这个残酷的世界的最后几分钟内，在拼命地寻求那将永远不会到来的救援。

That incident has deeply rattled my soul. I was grappled with the disturbing scene as I tried to explore my assumed life path in China -- had I not uprooted from it and left. I could have well been one of the heartless onlookers, whose empathy for others was taken away by indifference and whose self interest triumphed over moral obligations. Or worse yet, I could have been that woman lying on the cold concrete ground, spending her last few minutes in this cruel world desperately seeking the rescue that will never come. 

如果记忆中童年的爱和关怀是我思乡之情的来源，那么这一事件和许多其他类似冷酷事件的发生却夺走了我的那份醇厚的乡情。为避免亲眼目睹故乡的道德堕落，以及为保持我早年在中国生活的美好记忆不受玷污，也可能是我十来年没有回过中国的原因。在这种强烈的怀旧感氛围之中，中国和加拿大的社会价值观的差异只会加剧作为加国华裔的我的那种对故乡的纠结和困惑情怀。

If the memories of my childhood love and care is all what I value for my hometown, it has been depleted by this incident and many others in similar nature. Avoiding witnessing the painful changes and trying to keep my sweet memories of my early life in China intact may be part of my reasons of not coming back to China for a decade.  Amid an intense nostalgia feelings, the clash of social values has only fueled my confusions towards China as I embrace my identity as a Chinese Canadian.